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starzkiTitle: Free Advice
Characters/Pairings: Celina (OC), Sousuke/Kaname
Author:starzki
Words: 1638
Rating: T
Summary: The night of Kaname's arrival in Texas, Celina gives Sousuke some free advice.
Author's Note: Sequel to "There it Is." Warning: More Celina.
Link to Story: FF.N
Link to Challenge Table: Link
NOTES:
Ugh. This story. As you may be able to tell, I'm not completely happy with it.
I'm posting it now because I don' t think that any more editing is going to improve it. I think this may be a case of a story sounding better in my head than it looks actually written out.
I used Celina again because I don't think that the advice she gave (and that I wanted to explore) would be said by pretty much anyone else in the series. Melissa Mao would come closest, but I think she'd be too teasing, and maybe not really aware enough of non-military life to be able to stick up for Kaname like Celina could.
I like using Celina for situations like this, but I think this was just too much. The first draft of the story was pretty much only her lecturing at Sousuke and when I read it, I was appalled. Luckily, the second draft allowed Sousuke (you know, the actual FMP character in the story) to respond to Celina. Though I have to say that it doesn't ring very true for me either. I think he'd be largely quiet with Celina, not volunteering to divulge information to her. But I couldn't bear to have him just sit there and nod at her.
I should also say major thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
scribefigaro for betaing this for me. He was the cause of any major changes between the second and third draft. He let me know that a little goes a long way with Celina's potty mouth, and I do think I was forcing it a lot. So, I kept it to the swearing that would seem most logical to her character. He also had questions that should have been answered in the story, so I did manage to include those in the story. Thanks to scribe, this is much, much better than it would have been.
I think I'm going to write one more story with Celina. Mostly for symmetry. She's had conversations with Kaname, Melissa, and now Sousuke. Her having a one-on-one with Kurz seems reasonable before I retire her character for a while.
As for aspects of this story I liked, I did like Celina breaking down the thin line teen girls have to walk in order to be likable in school and in their social lives. I think Kaname is really adept at navigating these relationships, which is why she's so successful and popular with (almost) everyone who knows her. I also think that she expects Sousuke to act like a normal teen boy, which is why she's so frustrated with him so often. She's done the work to be able to know how to deal with people, and he's a curveball, a monkey wrench in her system.
I also wanted Sousuke to have a little exposure to a working, healthy, romantic relationship. As far as we've seen in the series, he has had absolutely none. Therefore, I added the little demonstrative affection between Celina and her husband for Sousuke. I doubt it will make much of an impression (beyond embarrassing him a bit), but I thought it would be nice for him to see, just to know that romantic feelings are normal and not as scary and awful as they can feel as a teenager. *shrug*
Hmm. I guess that's it. Like I said, I'm not totally happy with this, but it's what I'm putting out there for this first prompt challenge.
Thanks again,luxken27 for having this challenge!
Characters/Pairings: Celina (OC), Sousuke/Kaname
Author:
starzki Words: 1638
Rating: T
Summary: The night of Kaname's arrival in Texas, Celina gives Sousuke some free advice.
Author's Note: Sequel to "There it Is." Warning: More Celina.
Link to Story: FF.N
Link to Challenge Table: Link
NOTES:
Ugh. This story. As you may be able to tell, I'm not completely happy with it.
I'm posting it now because I don' t think that any more editing is going to improve it. I think this may be a case of a story sounding better in my head than it looks actually written out.
I used Celina again because I don't think that the advice she gave (and that I wanted to explore) would be said by pretty much anyone else in the series. Melissa Mao would come closest, but I think she'd be too teasing, and maybe not really aware enough of non-military life to be able to stick up for Kaname like Celina could.
I like using Celina for situations like this, but I think this was just too much. The first draft of the story was pretty much only her lecturing at Sousuke and when I read it, I was appalled. Luckily, the second draft allowed Sousuke (you know, the actual FMP character in the story) to respond to Celina. Though I have to say that it doesn't ring very true for me either. I think he'd be largely quiet with Celina, not volunteering to divulge information to her. But I couldn't bear to have him just sit there and nod at her.
I should also say major thanks to
scribefigaro for betaing this for me. He was the cause of any major changes between the second and third draft. He let me know that a little goes a long way with Celina's potty mouth, and I do think I was forcing it a lot. So, I kept it to the swearing that would seem most logical to her character. He also had questions that should have been answered in the story, so I did manage to include those in the story. Thanks to scribe, this is much, much better than it would have been.I think I'm going to write one more story with Celina. Mostly for symmetry. She's had conversations with Kaname, Melissa, and now Sousuke. Her having a one-on-one with Kurz seems reasonable before I retire her character for a while.
As for aspects of this story I liked, I did like Celina breaking down the thin line teen girls have to walk in order to be likable in school and in their social lives. I think Kaname is really adept at navigating these relationships, which is why she's so successful and popular with (almost) everyone who knows her. I also think that she expects Sousuke to act like a normal teen boy, which is why she's so frustrated with him so often. She's done the work to be able to know how to deal with people, and he's a curveball, a monkey wrench in her system.
I also wanted Sousuke to have a little exposure to a working, healthy, romantic relationship. As far as we've seen in the series, he has had absolutely none. Therefore, I added the little demonstrative affection between Celina and her husband for Sousuke. I doubt it will make much of an impression (beyond embarrassing him a bit), but I thought it would be nice for him to see, just to know that romantic feelings are normal and not as scary and awful as they can feel as a teenager. *shrug*
Hmm. I guess that's it. Like I said, I'm not totally happy with this, but it's what I'm putting out there for this first prompt challenge.
Thanks again,
luxken27 for having this challenge!
no subject
Date: 2012-07-05 01:32 am (UTC)I haven't had the chance to read this yet (and I think I'm going to have to go back to when you introduced this character...) but I definitely understand just posting something you're not totally thrilled with. Sometimes that happens - and the first piece after a long layoff is bound to be a little rusty. I'm working on a giftfic (augh) that's due next Tuesday and I haven't even started writing it yet but I'm already nervous, LOL. Its only been a month, but that feels like a lifetime!
And you're most welcome for the challenge!! Thank you for participating in it! :D This is the first fic (that I'm aware of) that's been posted. You're awesome!
no subject
Date: 2012-07-05 01:54 am (UTC)Yeah, I jumped on one of the new ones they posted recently. It was just too colorful and pretty.
As for not being completely happy with my story, it may just be the difference between what I wanted it to be and what it actually is. The response so far has been positive.
While I've been drabbling pretty consistently, this is the first fic over 300 words I've written in a long, long time. So it may just be that the freedom is making me nervous.
And: FIRST! (Awesome!)
Good luck with your fic! I'm sure it will go great!
no subject
Date: 2012-07-05 03:42 am (UTC)Oh, God do I know this feeling well :-/ Its part of the reason I'm struggling to finish Love Letters - it sounded SO much better in my head than its turned out to be on paper, LOL. But, I guess not all experiments are bound for success?
I'm glad to hear the response has been positive, though - that definitely helps =) I'm looking forward to reading it!
Good luck with your fic! I'm sure it will go great!
Thanks. Its for a "new" fandom, so I'm extremely nervous, but the person I'm writing this for is something I know well (and vice versa), which helps, I think.