starzki | Because I needed a chuckle today and this did the trick. (Reply)

Dear Dogs and Cats,
 > >
      The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
 The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing
 a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
 claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
 aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
 > >
      The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
 Beating me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't
 help because I fall faster than you can run.
 > >
      I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  I am very
 sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
 couch to ensure your comfort.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up in
 a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
 to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also
 know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
 the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
 > >
      For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
 bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
 door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
 knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
 I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been
 using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not
 required.
 > >
      The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
 cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
 > >
      To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
 message on our front door:
 > >
 To All  Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
 > >
 1. They live here.  You don't.
 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
 furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
 4. To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
 who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
 
 Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
 > >
 1. Eat less
 2. Don't ask for money all the time
 3. Are easier to train   (except: Terrior's and Shih Tsu's  )
 4. Normally come when called
 5. Never ask to drive the car
 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
 7. Don't smoke or drink
 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
 9. Don't want to wear your clothes
 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.